Death and Life

O Son of the Supreme! I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to shed on thee its splendour. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom? ~Baha’u’llah

I took these pictures a while back, a little while after I had the miscarriage. I don’t think I was ready to post them then. But now it being the same week in my pregnancy as when I had the miscarriage the last time, I have been thinking about and feeling incredibly emotional about the baby who has passed and also about the new baby growing inside of me.

When I was going through the miscarriage I think I cried for a solid 3 day straight. The tears just kept coming like they were being poured through me from some where else, I had no control over them. In the beginning as the miscarriage was happening but I wasn’t quite sure yet, I was completely devastated and felt so lifeless and helpless. And then when the blood started coming in gushes and gushes I new that the pregnancy was all over and that the little soul had already gone to the next world, and that there was nothing I could do. That is when I could start to accept what was happening and feel a sense of peace that the baby was in going to a much better place. The tears had kept coming of course during that point, but they had changed from complete misery and fear, into an all encompassing heart exploding love for this little soul. It is interesting that after the miscarriage I felt exponentially closer to the baby then I had before, the baby was all around me, in every thought and so deep in my heart.

I knew that it had happened for some reason beyond my comprehension and that his little soul was needed somewhere else.

The incredible thing that happened very soon after, is that I had this huge surge of creative energy come and I felt inspired like I hadn’t in years and years. I went out and bought my own art desk and set up our room so I could have my own space to do art on. I went and bought watercolor paper and started drawing and painting again, like I haven’t in seven years. And from me starting to do this, my 4.5 yr old son Olee started to as well. Normally I couldn’t get him to draw one line an a paper, and then all of sudden he was drawing falcons, moose, viking boats, and all kinds of things. It was really amazing.

I really think it was our little star (that is what we call the baby who passed, coined by auntie chelsea) that was helping us and inspiring us with creative energy from the spiritual world.

After I took the pictures (seen above) and came home and was thinking about them, I really felt so strongly that with death comes incredible new life. For me, it was that this death brought a new creative life, and a deeper awareness and understanding of those who have also been through a similar loss.

And now I am cultivating new life again within me (in the form of a baby not just creative energy), I know that our little star is with me every step of the way, helping the tears of love and grief to flow, and bringing me comfort when I feel anxious about this next little one.

Thank you for listening, this is really good therapy for me to write all this.