Some thoughts on my journey as a mother.
When I think back to when I first had olee, it felt like my whole world had been thrown into a blender and God hit the ‘on’ button. Having a baby was probably one of the most amazing and overwhelming experiences of my life. Everything changed. My friends, my relationships, my free time, my control over the finances, my identity, my ability to not worry about the dumbest little things… yes, so it felt like everything that had to do with “ME” got chucked out the window for awhile and it took me a long time to go outside and carefully gather those bits and pieces of myself back and bring them ‘inside’ again.
I didn’t realize I had lost myself until one day, about a year(?) after he was born I was watching Oprah (yes, we love her) and Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife came on and was talking about the same thing, how she had lost herself in their marriage/childrearing. She talked about how her life had become engulfed into his life and everything was about what he wanted/needed and nothing left for her. She had forgotten what she loved about life, she only knew what she loved about Lance. She knew that it wasn’t healthy, that she lost her true self and she needed a change.
After watching that program, I took a long honest look at where I was in my life, what I had ‘given up’ so easily and willingly for everyone else, and knew I needed a change too. I knew that the ‘person’ inside me was screaming to be heard again, to do art again. That was when Shane and I talked about trading mornings off on the weekend so that I could have time to do my art. When I had that Saturday morning to myself to go and journal, drink tea or just relax and eventually to re-find my art it was like someone handed me the keys to myself again and I was refreshed and would come back to the family happy and rejuvenated.
Now onto the second kid… With all of that knowledge I had gained from having Olee, I knew that the first couple of months would be a time of ‘everything about the baby’ and about staying sane, and so giving up ‘myself’ was needed to some degree, as in giving up my free time in the evenings and weekends, but now I know I do not need to give all of everything I am- my ‘true self’, I can hold onto those bits that call out in the depths of my creativity, spirituality, and physicality (is that a word?). I can be self-less but still engaged in fulfilling artistic pursuits, still active physically, and still find the time to pray and meditate.
That been said, being a mother and raising my boys has been an incredible journey. I feel so privileged to be able to stay at home with them and be their ‘first educator’. Though sometimes overwhelming, it is one of the ‘greats’ of my life and feeling lost from my(true)self for awhile pales in comparison to the honor I feel in being able to raise them. I imagine I am not alone in this mothering journey, I am sure that most women feel a loss of themselves at some point to some degree or another… in that regard we are all connected as we walk this path and can feel some sense of hope that whatever we have lost can be found, and whatever we have given up can once again be gathered
(even though it may be in small bits) when the time is right. 🙂
I had to smile when I read this. My same journey started 38 years ago. Well not same but Motherhood. I so enjoyed that time and it sped by so fast. I remember standing at the bus crying on the first day of school. Knowing when my son came home he would be different in just a little way. Same thing happened when my twin daughters started 8 years later. When my children turned of age it was a sad day as I knew that a part of the parent journey was coming to an end and another one was starting. Well they are now 38 and 30 and the adventure now is being a Grandparent which I have embraced with great delight to 7 Granddaughters and another on the way. When we become Mothers they are the center of our world but it is good for us to become the center too and to take a break. I found they enjoyed mini vacations from me too even for a few hours, a day or overnight. A good man is good too I have been married for 32 years. It is a beautiful life journey. Positive Thoughts Always. T
Thanks for sharing your insightful reflections on your journey as a mother and an individual. It’s always a delicate balance to maintain – one that requires not only selflessness and putting the needs of the children first at times, but also a healthy dose of recognizing your self-worth. Without a love of self, we can feel guilty for taking time out for ourselves. We can feel that only if we are serving the family are our actions worthwhile. It took me a long time to figure that by taking time for yourself, you are also doing the best thing for your family.
This is such an inspiring post! I think all mothers must struggle with this same issue, so it really touches home to me. Of course, without your reflections into this issue, and then assertiveness to take Saturday mornings off, I’m not sure if I would have found the courage in myself to do the same (or maybe it would have taken a lot longer). You are such an incredible example to me.
I think I’ve noticed in myself that whenever I start getting really pissed off, it’s a sign that I’m not doing enough for me, because I’m angry at having to do everything for everyone else. As soon as I stop and have a little “me time” then I’m filled up again and ready to face the chaos of having kids.
Thanks, I think that these life lessons should come in a mandatory pre-baby manual to spare the pain, but I guess that it is just that, a life lesson in self-worth.